When the Vibrator Speaks
I was just reading about the latest technological developments in, um, personal pleasure devices. Someone actually manufactures a vibrator that has a little camera attached to it. I just don't know what to say about that other than...huh. Or maybe, "huh?"
There's also one that allows you to record a voice on the vibrator to be played back...when? Right at the most opportune moment, I suppose? Like, you've just about reached climax, and you hit the little playback button with the voice of your lover saying...what? I suppose I'm lacking in imagination, because I just can't think what I'd want a vibrator to say to me.
I'm sure the girls at The Naked Page can come up with some good suggestions though. So spill it. What would your recordable vibrator say to you?
posted by Jamie Sobrato @ 2:53 PM
37 Comments:
I can only imagine a talking vibrator would have some kind of cocky attitude. (No pun intended. Seriously. LOL) I mean, hearing a recorded voice blast into my ear (um, or various other body parts) at that particular moment would be so unnerving it would totally kill the mood. The thing would probably cackle and make fun of me for not quite getting there...
And then, if its human counterpart played any role in the making of this recording, he'd be sleeping on the couch.
If my vibrator told me it just made dinner and gave the kids a bath, I'd marry it.
My first thought is that the vibrator should play cheesy 70's porn music perhaps muffled 70's porn music?
But upon further thought, I have decided that it should say lines from Seinfeild, specifically the line when Jerry was supposed to be talking dirty to some girl. Admittedly, Are those the panties your momma lay out for you? might be a little tame for a vibrator,(since one probably wouldn't be wearing panties) but it's the best I can come up with.
You guys ever sit on a vibrating bed and talk just to hear the weird vibrating voice you have when doing it? Isn't that what a talking vibrator would sound like? That just doesn't seem sexy to me.
Wow, Theresa, I'm fascinated that you've ever even found a vibrating bed anywhere! Where was this contraption? Hmmm? Oh, wait, don't tell me--you have one in your house? Right, Nurse Bad-Ass? Kidding, kidding...
A vibrator with a cocky attitude? That's BAD, Melissa. Really bad! Maybe your vibrator would emit a snoring sound (compliments of lump on couch).
Okay, I missed the Jerry Seinfeld trying to talk dirty episode--what season was that from, Bethany? Do you remember?
After serious and prolonged consideration, I still have no idea what my talking vibrator would say. This implies some serious repression on my part, right? An inability to let loose and admit what really turns me on?
Okay, I'll admit it...Krispy Kreme donuts are what really turn me on. Maybe my vibrator would have Homer Simpson's voice saying, "Mmmm, donuts."
The only time I remember seeing a vibrating bed was years ago on vacation with my family, and the room my brother's and I were in had a vibrating bed. Being kids, we thought it was great fun to lay on the bed and talk while it was vibrating. Kind of like the enjoyment one gets out of the helium balloon voice.
What use would Nurse Bad Ass have for a vibrating bed anyway? Nurse Bad Ass has nunchucks.
OMG, I wouldn't let my husband videotape the birth of my children. A vibrator with a camera? No. Just...no.
OMG, I wouldn't let my husband videotape the birth of my children. A vibrator with a camera? No. Just...no.
Lol. I have no desire to know what's going on in there either. I don't want a vibrator speaking to me either. Who are the warped people who came up with this?
It's funny, I have a friend who is a nurse, and oddly enough she is quite the prude. She got invited to a sex toy party and was mortified. A nurse! I can just see her reaction to a talking vibrator. The camera would just be icing.
I can see Jamie's next book now-- When Good Vibrators Go Bad. And oh, the possibilities for the design that might end up on the cover...
Oooh, I went to a sex toy party once (no camera or talking vibrators that I recall) and the hostess drank the whole pitcher of margarita mix (or whatever- I didn't get any so I don't really know what the hell it was) so the hostess is falling down drunk, everyone else is grumpy and sober. Great party. They had a penis shaped cake, too.
We had to pass around all the vibrators, and there were like 50 of them, and the sex-toy-party-coordinator lady would hold each of them up, and eye it like it was a jelly donut and go "oooh, this one works good." it was surreal, really.
oh, and this rather manly lesbian that we worked with kept jabbing the side of my head with some huge vibrator because we weren't passing them fast enough cause there were like 12 people there and like 50 vibrators, so the girl beside me had 5 and was trying to pass them on and then I was getting jabbed/pummelled with this Huge quaking penis shaped object that you could see through. That would have been more tolerable with a little tequila thrown in.
Bethany, that is hilarious. I would love to attend one of those just for the experience. LOL Especially if margaritas are involved.
So Jamie... did you ever visit Krispy Kreme in your second trimester? ;-) I imagine that's right up there with the vibrating washing machine (or bed, as the case may be). Thankfully I have to endure traffic and construction and about 20 miles to get to the one in my area, so I don't get there *too* much.
Hey, while we're on the subject of sex toy parties, I'm throwing a bridal shower in a couple of months--anybody know any decent, non-cheesy games we could play? The bride and I definitely hail from the dirty-mind side of the tracks, but unfortunately her somewhat prudish mother and sister will be in attendance as well. Any ideas??
Bethany, I had a penis cake at my 21st birthday party and my bachelorette party. No wonder I'm so obsessed with panties and talking vibrators.
Melissa, sadly, due to all the remote places we live, I almost NEVER make it into a Krispy Kreme...or maybe that's a good thing from the perspective of my ass.
Anyway, I was in Germany during both pregnancies, and the nearest Krispy Kreme I knew of was about 7 hours away in Prague. But imagine how happy I was when I found it!
Ok, I must point out how clueless my husband is when it comes to Krispy Kremes. He got a coupon for a dozen free Krispy Kremes while I was pregnant, and he threw it out.
I still haven't forgiven him.
I have never had the pleasure of attending a sex toy party. I am trying to imagine how it would feel to sell vibrators for a living, via home parties. Hmmm.
Do you get little penis-shaped lapel pins when you reach certain sales goals? Do you get a penis shaped car if you are one of the top sales girls?
Bethany, I bet I know just the lesbian you are talking about, and I would have to be very drunk to want her assaulting me with a plastic penis-like object.
Holy cow, Theresa. I'd still be brooding too about the lost donuts. The middle school here often sells KK donuts as a fund-raising thing, and I never can get hooked up with any. I mean, it's like a drug, and I just can't find the dealer.
Melissa, we played Balderdash at my wedding shower back in the dark ages. It was really fun even though half the people there weren't the type you'd think would be good at making up definitions to words. Actually the non-wordy types were probably better than us wordy types at the game.
Bethany can attest to the fact that I'm the world's worst Balderdash player because all my definitions end up being about sex or something vaguely sex related or sound like I'm trying really hard to be funny. I might as well emblazon them with a big sign that reads "JAMIE WROTE THIS."
If you wanted to make Balderdash more wedding themed, you could just look up archaic and unusual words that have to do with love, sex, romance, and marriage.
Holy cow, Theresa. I'd still be brooding too about the lost donuts. The middle school here often sells KK donuts as a fund-raising thing, and I never can get hooked up with any. I mean, it's like a drug, and I just can't find the dealer.
I still bug my husband about those doughnuts and it's been over 2 years. We have a KK about 2 miles from here and it has a drive thru! He keeps promising to get me some doughnuts, and I think it's high time he paid up!
I thought all KK's had drive thrus. :-) That's the only way hubby and I go. Guess I've had it good around here!
A free dozen while pregnant? I think I'd be digging through the trash looking for that coupon.
KK are kind of new around here. We've had one in a nearby city for a couple of years, but it isn't a drive thru. The one near me is probably less than a year old and the only drive thru I know about. I'd be stoked, but my husband hasn't bought me the darn doughnuts yet!
So we have discovered the fourth most popular topic at The Naked Page? Men, panties, sex, and Krispy Kream donuts? I knew you girls had your priorities straight!
Throw all those topics in a book Jamie, pretty much in the same order too, and I think you've got a winner!
Add a sex toy party, and you're golden.
You find the strangest topics on blogs. This topic is quite humorous so I am going to give you some insight. This device you are referring to is most likely invented by a man. You see, us men love vaginas and can't get enough of them. We like looking at them far away, close up, outside, inside, it just doesn't matter. We are utterly fascinated by them. So look at the all of the porn out there. It's all filmed from a third person perspectve. Now with this device, we switch to a first person perspective. Wow, now we are actually the ones doing the pleasing to this incredible creation of nature. Get it.
The talking part is just our vanity. We want you to have our voice on there so when we are not there to please you and you are feeling horny, you can still have an intense orgasm by thinking that we are. See we are just so full of ourselves, we know hearing our voice at the point of climax will give you a stronger orgasm. Yes, I'm positive a man created this one.
Oh, by the way, you ladies are all incredibly sexy in my book. Hot topics on this blog. I don't think I will be posting her much though. My wife would kill me. Thanks for making me laugh, Theresa, Jamie and Bethany.
Hi, Jamie! Believe it or not I hosted one of those "pleasure" parties a couple years ago for my close writer girlfriends. It was a blast! I had a local store come in and give their presentation (well, that paints an interesting picture, doesn't it?). Anyway, with a lot of food AND alcohol, I was amazed at the amount of "treasures" everyone took home with them. ;-) I'd co-hosted a similar party way back in college and I'd totally recommend it for a very different and hilarious evening. My recent one was such a success that all those same gals are waiting for me to have another. Makes me wonder if they're "goodies" have been too well loved and they need replacements. LOL!
Christina
Okay, I am baffled. I didn't know a lesbian worked with you and Bethany. Was there another personality hanging out there that I was not aware of?
This is an interesting concept to be talking about Krispy Kremes and sex toys in the same string. I would have to agree that there is nothing better than warm KKs. Talk about one food that disappears in minutes and it would be KKs.
I have not been to one of the parties, but a girl at work had a party, then took the rolling case of toys to a local kwik-stop store to show her friends there. They tagged her the "dildo lady" and called her that every time she went in the store. She was one brain cell short and didn't see anything wrong with rolling around a case of vibrators in public...
I think I might be too old for attending a party of this nature, so you girls enjoy!
Sherry- at the time Jamie worked there they might have been still using the sister story. However several of our partying co-workers went to their house and were baffled by the single bedroom. The more um, masculine of the couple worked in the kitchen, so you may not have known her! They lived in the apartment underneath Troy's
You know there was a Sex and the City concerning Krispy Kreme donuts, but no sex toys. At least I think they must have been KK's, there was glazing on them. . .
I just asked my husband what was he thinking when he threw away that coupon, and he stated that he's brain damaged and he will buy me some KK's this weekend.
Thanks for bringing up the topic Jamie, now I get some doughnuts!
Okay, dare I even comment on the ego size of a person who calls himself "sexy man?" No, no, I'll be kind...
And now that we have the male perspective on camera-strapped and talking vibrators, I am reminded of why I write romance novels.
Christina, I am not at ALL surprised that you hosted a pleasure party, LOL. And I hesitate to consider the amount of use it takes to wear out a vibrator.
Yeah, there were a few lesbians at the restaurant where we worked, Mom. I think there were a few of everything. I was way out of the loop on the lesbian scene though, and really most all of the scenes happening there. Bethany and I were deemed the innocent young girls who needed to be protected from the seedy underbelly of things. Ha. We were only to be leered at from afar, I suppose.
There were several shows on Sex In The City involving a "Rabbit Vibrator." If you missed them, they were funny shows. Charlotte became so obsessed with her "rabbit" that she refused to go out with her friends. She was having a "relationship" with it, and had a stuffed bunny on her bed to store it. Charlotte was ready to never have a man again. The rest of the girls finally had to do an intervention and went in to take it away from her.
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