#navbar-iframe { display: none !important;} The Naked Page: The Panty Wars Rage On

The Naked Page

Author Jamie Sobrato's Diary

12.30.2005

The Panty Wars Rage On

After extensive research, I have come to a conclusion about the state of panties in America. We are at a design low point. We will look back in twenty years and roll our eyes at the panty trends of today.

For those of you who claim boy cut panties are the shit, you really need to rethink your position. Maybe I have a defective ass or something, but I don't enjoy the fit of the boy cuts I have tried, nor do I like the weird sensation of having that extra unnecessary fabric under my pants. It also seems to add a bit of extra bulk where none should be.

But I will not limit my dissing to the boy cuts. No, I have found panties far worse--the ultra low rise hip hugger. What the hell are these panty makers thinking? Not only do they look bad, but they're uncomfortable too.

And dare I even mention the tanga? No, I won't go there, because really no one should wear them. Say NO to the tanga!

After all my research, I still maintain that the lowly thong is the best panty for wearing under pants. The low-rise thong is a great option too, and surprisingly comfortable, for pants that have a low-cut waist.

And for those occasions when no pants are required, I say the most flattering cut for most body types is the classic bikini.

And now after all my hard work for the underwear needs of women everywhere, I hope you all can appreciate the contribution I've made to society. Think of me every time you see an ass free of panty lines.

33 Comments:

At 4:04 PM, Anonymous melissa said...

Okay, let me clarify my position on boycuts. I DO think they are the bomb.. but only on fat days and during pregnancy do they have more appeal than the thong. I love thongs. But I've found that when I'm in the process of gaining a few (*cough* several, possibly close to a million) pounds, I prefer to cover as much as possible of that blob formerly known as my butt. I'm almost six months now, and even the maternity thong that I used to rave about isn't cutting it anymore. I think I'd go for full-on boxers if they wouldn't be bulky under my pants. :-)

By the way, WTF is a tanga??

 
At 4:28 PM, Anonymous Cindy Procter-King said...

Maternity thong? LOL.

Melissa, you don't want to know about the granny maternity panties we wore in the Eighties.

I agree, WTF is a tanga?



Cindy

 
At 5:13 PM, Anonymous bethany said...

Okay, I am going to reveal my ultimate stupidity, but why do people need maternity panties? My mom freaked out when she mentioned them to me during my second pregnancy and I told her my regular panties fit fine, during both pregnancies. Whats up with maternity panties? I thought it was just some ploy by maternity stores to make you buy more stuff.

 
At 5:17 PM, Anonymous melissa said...

You must be one of those lucky people who keep your regular figure and just grow a cute round tummy. For people like me, who grow a butt almost as big as the tummy, the ol' hottie pants just won't do. Sausage casing comes to mind... lol

 
At 5:18 PM, Anonymous melissa said...

It's also a very good excuse to go buy new (and small) lingerie when the baby comes out and those maternity panties hit the garbage. :-)

 
At 5:35 PM, Anonymous bethany said...

I had weight gain issues (was under-weight and worried about it for most of 2nd pregnancy) and I don't remember my butt getting bigger, but I couldn't see it too well, either!

Ok Jamie you have to come back and tell us about the Tangos? And are you telling me I should cancel my victoria's secret order with the boycuts? Oh wait, I was the one to first tout the boycuts, I have confidence that I will love them, whether you do or not!

 
At 8:44 PM, Anonymous Theresa said...

I also wore my regular panties throughout my pregnancies. My weight gain ran from 35-40lbs, but I guess it went mostly to my belly. Though the after baby weight distribution would argue otherwise.

The tanga is kind of like a thong but covers more of the ass area. http://search.victoriassecret.com/exec/ This page shows some of them. I kind of like the tanga. I wore a black lacy one under a very sexy dress with the black lacy bra and a kick ass pair of boots. My husband loved the whole ensemble, let me tell you!

But maybe you have to have a certain rear to wear certain underwear. I didn't get my endowments in breasts, but in the butt instead.

 
At 8:59 PM, Anonymous Cindy Procter-King said...

Bethany,

Maternity panties are like large granny panties with a stretchy belly panel. I can't remember when I started wearing them (I was given some), as I wore regular pants with the zipper down and held up with suspenders under my shirts as long as I could. The maternity clothes were UGLY in my day. No specialty shops, etc., and everything I had but one dress was hand-me-down from ten years earlier, LOL. Yes, I was a fashion plate, but I was working in a minimum security prison, so I didn't give a rip.

Cindy

 
At 9:10 PM, Blogger Jamie said...

This is a tanga:

http://www2.victoriassecret.com/commerce/application/prodDisplay/?namespace=productDisplay&origin=onlineProductDisplay.jsp&event=display&prnbr=SH-190039&page=1&cgname=OSPTYTGSZZZ&rfnbr=2633

Or if that link doesn't work, go to www.victoriassecret.com, click on panties, then click on Tangas.

They are basically thongs with extra fabric, so unless you plan to wear them with double-stick tape, you just end up with more of the panty stuck up your ass. IMO they only look good on air-brushed lingerie models who ARE wearing them with double-stick tape.

 
At 9:13 PM, Blogger Jamie said...

I'm really not sure of the ultimate purpose of maternity panties, unless they are meant as birth control in those still-fat torturous weeks after childbirth. I did wear some, because I gained 50-60 lbs with each pregnancy, and yeah, after a while there weren't many pairs of panties that fit, but I also just bought larger sizes of regular panties and wore those. Much less humiliating than those tent-like expanses of too-thin cotton.

 
At 9:17 PM, Blogger Jamie said...

Bethany, the boycut panties I got from Victoria's Secret are the "Boxsies." Are they the ones you ordered? They are okay except my ass hangs out the bottom and makes me curse gravity and feel like I need to go do 200 squats. I might wear them for sleeping in, but I tried them under pants and found them too bulky for my taste. I also could detect a faint...PANTY LINE!

 
At 9:19 PM, Blogger Jamie said...

And Melissa, don't feel bad--I think I gained like 90% of my pregnancy weight in my ass and other non-belly places. Pregnant cheeks all around! It was really unattractive. I never did get much of a belly because I'm tall with a long torso, so for most of my pregnancies I always felt like I was walking around looking like I'd just decided to start eating Krispy Kremes 24/7.

 
At 7:03 AM, Anonymous melissa said...

Eek. That Victoria's Secret model looks like she's on her way to the world's biggest wedgie, if she doesn't already have it.

The maternity undies of today aren't quite the monsters that Cindy described. :-) They actually look like normal cotton panties except bigger. Like everything else that is pregnancy. Am I counting the days or what?

I'm jealous of Theresa's black lace getup. That makes me all the more anxious to be normal again!

 
At 7:22 AM, Anonymous bethany said...

Okay, now that I think about it I did wear some of Lee's underwear at one point, they were these colored briefs that looked like tidy whities but weren't (not white and no um well they didn't have that thing in the front that I thought was a pocket when I put on long johns to go sledding at 8 years old) They had been in his drawer for like ever because he never wore them. I still sleep in them sometimes because they are really soft.
Mostly I wore low cut string bikinis because my hips didn't change and I guess my rear didn't either. People always made the basketball comment to me.

I ended up at ideal weight, 35-40 lbs like Theresa, but I never wanted anyone to think I wasn't gaining weight on purpose! My dr actually told me to eat a hot fudge sundae every night before I went to bed!

Jamie, Yes I did order the boxsies, I thought they were cute, but I don't want my butt to hang out of them!

 
At 7:34 AM, Anonymous bethany said...

Hey Jamie, do you remember that little shop at the Bashford Manor mall that had the tiny thong bikinis and the disaproving old lady that worked there?

 
At 12:14 PM, Blogger Jamie said...

I DO remember that shop! I bought two thong bikinis there that I could never wear in public for fear of getting arrested. That lady seemed really disillusioned with the state of lingerie and swimsuits--which brings us right back to the theme of this thread. Let me just say that I do not at all wear her dour expression when I discuss my distaste with certain panty trends.

 
At 12:38 PM, Anonymous bethany said...

I think I'll purse up my lips and look disaproving if I ever discuss maternity panties again.

I only wore my bikini from that shop one time, and not in public, but let me say that I live in fear that someday I will see poorly lit pictures of myself wearing it on the internet. Luckily (or not) no-one would recognize me, remember how fit we got for your wedding?

This is why I try to change the topic from panties, I don't admit to embarassing things when we talk about characterization or our favorite books

 
At 1:25 PM, Blogger Jamie said...

We got fit for my wedding?

I mainly remember getting really drunk for it. And you bringing me a Big Mac for lunch on the big day, LOL, and me being too nervous to eat it. Oh, and loitering outside the gay nightclub for the bacheloretty party, too young and straight to get in, but having our sleezy knee high boots admired by the transvestites, which was almost a good enough reason to have gone to the club in the first place.

 
At 1:31 PM, Anonymous bethany said...

Yes, we worked out to all those fitness tapes and I had a washboard stomach for like 6 months.

Hey that drunken bachelorette party is one of my husband's favorite memories.

 
At 2:59 PM, Blogger Jamie said...

Ohhhhhh right. Bodies in Motion with Gilad! They still show reruns of his shows on some fitness channel, believe it or not. And we did that Cindy Crawford workout tape, didn't we?

Lee and the drunken bachelorette party... Oddly, my memories of that event are hazy. Very hazy.

 
At 4:16 PM, Anonymous bethany said...

Well we may have left the panty topic behind, but were you too hazy to tell who kissed whom? This is a subject we still debate about.

 
At 5:13 PM, Blogger Jamie said...

Well, all I can say about that subject is I didn't kiss ANYBODY!

Oh, well, wait, the haze is lifting...and I recall, quite clearly, that...you...kissed...him. Yes, definitely. You would have had to, right? Because Lee is too much a gentleman to have compromised you that way, you being in an altered state and all...and him being an OLDER MAN. LOL. Or was I the only one in an altered state that night?

 
At 5:59 PM, Anonymous bethany said...

Actually what he did was unzip the back of my catsuit, remember those catsuits? and ran his tongue up my back, then I turned my head and one of us kissed the other. He says I kissed him, but I say he kissed me.

And if he invited 18 year olds to his apartment and plyed them with wine coolers he wasn't much of a gentleman, was he?

 
At 7:43 PM, Anonymous Theresa said...

Wine coolers? The definitive drink of 18 year olds. I remember those days.

 
At 7:33 AM, Anonymous bethany said...

Hey I'm drinking a wine cooler right now! Now I'm yelling shut up kids while momma drinks this wine cooler. Which is more sophisticated, to put it in a fancy glass or to guzzle it from the bottle? Sorry can't write, this delicious peach wine cooler is making me slur and mess up my typing.

Okay, I haven't had a drink of anything in years, not since I was trying to get pregnant, then pregnant, then nursing, then pregnant again.

 
At 11:51 AM, Blogger Jamie said...

Oh dear GOD Bethany, a wine cooler for breakfast?! Please. Be a real Kentucky girl and go get yourself a shot of Wild Turkey. It's the only respectable breakfast drink.

 
At 11:55 AM, Blogger Jamie said...

Ahhhh, yes, the infamous unzipping of the cat suit! How could I forget? I love that my bachelorette party was the beginning of your relationship with Lee. Well actually I love that I am sort of the reason you two met in the first place, and I'm so glad you ended up together because otherwise I'd probably never see Lee now, who I've always thought was a really cool guy, but can you imagine what he'd be doing now if he hadn't gotten hooked up with you? Would he still be wearing that black trench coat? Still waiting tables? Still living in the bachelor pad with the other aspiring rocker guys?

Oh, and there were wine coolers at the party? All I remember are shot glasses...lots of little shot glasses.

 
At 11:57 AM, Blogger Jamie said...

Maybe that who kissed who first question is a chicken or the egg thing. Maybe you just collided, with identical intent to kiss.

 
At 11:59 AM, Blogger Jamie said...

Oh, and Mom, I didn't drink anything that night. I swear. And there were no transvestites, no gay nightclub, no shot glasses... Um, that was all made up.

 
At 2:48 PM, Anonymous bethany said...

Yes, even if we had lost touch, we would still remember you as one of the reasons we met and got together. I forget all those events probably seem unreal to you since you were off getting married and starting married life when we were carrying on this flirtation thing and then getting together, and of course I didn't tell you we were together for like 6 months. It wasn't exactly supposed to be a long term thing.

 
At 4:39 PM, Anonymous Sherry said...

Okay, don't trash the "nightclub" - remember I worked next door to that place for five years. Those guys sure were hot looking, well at least it was good looking at them until they turned to go in the door of the two clubs next door to work. I am still jealous of the guy who had bigger boobs than me...

As for drinking, ha, you guys have a long way to catch up with me! I guess you forget that at the other house, it took a four-pack of wine coolers for me to mow the grass (;-) - there is nothing like laughing your butt off at yourself being drunk mowing the grass, oh well, it was funning at the time.

As for what went on back in those days, I think I tried to be an understanding Mother. I still have not recovered from the antics of you guys at Applebees. I don't know what was more shocking, your "Dracula" costume or Troy in drag.

I wouldn't take back anything from being "Jamie's Mom." It has all been a great experience.

 
At 5:02 PM, Anonymous bethany said...

Hey Sherry, what about my Madonna costume? Some little girl told Troy he was prettier than me, but Lee followed me around singing dirty Madonna lyrics alnight. I know several guys who still drool over that Dracula thing Jamie wore.

I don't know about you and drinking, but if you want to hear about our experiences in a bar in munich let me know. . .

 
At 9:16 PM, Anonymous Theresa said...

The funniest thing I ever saw was my mom drunk on pina colada's. My mom's a pretty straight laced type, so it was hilarious to watch her laugh her ass off at every little thing. The next day she just kept saying, "but they didn't taste like alcohol..."

I never knew my mom to drink at all growing up, so now my dad loves to torment her by telling us stories of when she secrectly got inebriated when they'd go out. (very rarely though)Being old enough to finally hear these stories about your parents is the greatest.

 

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