The Mean Season
I love summer. Love the heat, the sunshine, the long days, the flip flops--it's my favorite season by far.
But like every other woman I know, I'm not so crazy about the looming threat of donning my first swimsuit of the year. Like many a bikini shopper, I've wondered if extreme ass lyposuction is really the answer to all my swimwear problems, but even if I could afford it, I'm not sure I'd have the guts.
Bombarded with magazine headlines like "Get Butt-tastic and Bikini Ready in 4 Weeks!" I have to wonder, do I really want to be butt-tastic?
Sadly, the answer is, like everyone else who buys all those magazines, I do. So I'm stuck with getting swimsuit-ready the old fashioned way: by depriving myself of anything that tastes even remotely good, and by working out until just before the point of death by heat exhaustion.
In honor of this mean season, I give you my list of favorite weight loss and fitness tips:
1. If you can carry on a conversation while doing aerobic activity, you're not working hard enough. If, however, your tongue is stuck to the roof of your mouth and the only words you can hope to utter are "call 9-1-1," you're probably in the zone.
2. Step away from the doughnut. I said, STEP AWAY FROM THE DOUGHNUT.
3. If you're a parent, restrict yourself to eating only your kids' leftovers for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. If you have a two-year-old, like I do, you'll find that slices of pizza that have been mutilated and smeared around on the floor aren't all that tempting.
4. If you're hungry between meals, drink lots and lots of Diet Coke. The carbonation will fill you up, and the crazy hunger rampage you'll go on after a month of dieting can be blamed on all the weird chemicals in it.
5. Quit your job and move back in with your parents to exercise full time, becuase really, as much effort as it takes to get in shape while simultaneously eating nothing but carrot sticks, Diet Coke, and pizza crust, you won't have any energy left to do things like have a career or a life. Just remember, all that matters is the size and tightness of your ass. Everything else is irrelevant.
Oh, and be sure to write and let me know how long it takes you to get butt-tastic.